It seems like nowadays, a lot of couples are based on an arrangement/agreement.

When people are in their 30’s, the arrangement will often be about having children. Both people have this dream, they think it’s the right time (the clock moves forward) and they want to make this happen.

The problem is that with the dating apps, you have access to so many people to make this happen. And you can find it.

The relationship is more or less ok, not that great, no passion, but it ticks a few boxes and you find comfort, companionship in it. The goal is to start a family and you go for it.

After several years together, you make those children and then things start to get more complicated and a lot less idyllic than what you expected.

Why is that?

Couples must be able to exist before and after children

So many people think that having children will make a couple feel better and stronger, that you will share something so strong and so amazing together that it will help you as a couple and strengthens the relationship.

This can happen but it is extremely rare to find happiness in a relationship due to the children. Most of the time, the kids will enhance all the gaps and differences that are between you and your partner and they will show you everywhere you disagree and misalign.

If you haven’t learnt how to disagree in a fun way and talk about hard and small things in a nice way, it can become a real nightmare and every day will make you drift further away from each other.

Agreement or True Love

Raising children together will show you if you were in a relationship based on an agreement or a true love because one or both partners will suddenly be only interested in them. Kids take so much time and energy that it covers it all with activities, but behind them, the couple will become inexistent.

True love grows from anything that is shared. Anything brings forces to this love when it’s real. While agreements fade away very easily or at least once the job got done.

What I write here can sound tough but I believe that people should think a lot more before procreating together because the illusions and myths around that are omnipresent.

True love is the energy you need to enjoy raising kids with someone. Having fun, being in love, having a strong interest in your partner are essentials to create balanced children and a real home. It’s very harmful for children to be the center of your world, it’s not a healthy image of the reality at all.

The center of your World should be your Partner

The center of your world must be your partner – then from that energy of love, you can pour onto the children. But you must save yourself from being only interested in them, with nothing coming your way for you. No one can live healthily in that position.

What can also happen when the couple is based on a partnership for a goal and not on true love, is that once the goal has been achieved : having those kids or building that company, then the relationship will start to fade away. What used to be ok and acceptable, will start to feel uncomfortable. You may feel repelled by the person.

And in a way it is normal: you had a goal and it has been completed. Now the tough part of the story starts: raising them for life and doing this, without true love. It feels empty and boring, and most people will deal with that with a state of depression.

What True Love looks like

You recognize true love because it is not linked to any goal. It is just love, no matter what. True love doesn’t require you to earn money, be successful, become a parent, it really is a plain alive form in itself. Most of the time, true love will even appear in very uncomfortable situations, where there is even a demand to lose things to live it.

It has become very common for couples to separate during the first years of the children’s lives. People bump into the limits of those agreements and the kids will push you so far down the road that you will feel the disconnect a lot more than you used to.

I wish I could warn you from doing that. Thinking that you can raise happy children over a lifetime without a true, passionate love, is an illusion and if more people believed in that and waited until they find the right person before moving to that stage, our world would be so much happier.

The world needs to be back to believing in Love.

Emi,

Positive Social Impact

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Read my Quiz to know where your relationship is:

True Love:

• Unconditional
• No particular goals are necessary
• It’s a deep feeling, not a project
• It feels like it elevates you
• It brings unusual feelings, sometimes unique
• There is a lot of energy and power coming out of it
• You feel overly activated and stimulated by this person
• You seem to be able to have endless conversations
• You open up to things with them you never liked before
• You have the capacity to reflect / mirror each other
• You help each grow
• You are each other’s best friend
• You know it can never get boring
• You are different but you respect each other’s views
• There is a complementarity
• It is connected to your soul mission and brings inspiration to you
• It reveals new parts of you you didn’t know before

Agreements – Arrangements:

• You have a routine together
• You know each other and let each other live the way they are
• There are no confrontations, profound debates, rare conflicts
• You don’t grow, you remain yourself in your initial form
• It doesn’t challenge you
• It feels ok but also boring
• You’re a bit depressed in this relationship even if you don’t realize it
• You don’t feel like the relationship has a higher purpose, it’s just about daily life
• The challenges don’t make it stronger but weaker with time
• You just lose interest and it’s hard to refuel it