Do you ever have a chat with a friend and come away feeling dissatisfied? Nobody was rude. Everything was pleasant. But it feels like something was missing. Maybe you were hoping for some encouragement or support. Or acknowledgement that what you’re doing right at the moment is just plain tough. And somehow you didn’t get it.

There may be one of two factors at play. Firstly, while I’m not implying that we derive all of our philosophy from the 90’s band New Radicals, it is true that “you only get what you give”. It is unrealistic to expect that we can dominate a conversation, offer surface level platitudes, and receive deep soul nourishment in return. We need to invest in our relationships, build trust, so that our friends may choose to invest in us in return. We need to communicate at a deep level if we expect deep communication in return.

So how do we Evaluate our Communication Level when discussing a Need, a Feeling, or an Issue?

I think we can have a rating system of responses from the genuinely caring to the actively damaging. I’m going to call it the StarPoop scale. It might look something like this:

A ⭐️⭐️⭐️ response includes sympathy, care, offers of practical support & emotional comfort. It might sound like “Oh, honey I’m so sorry to hear that. You sit down. I’m gonna clean up this mess and then I’m gonna bring you some tea and toast”. This is a level we tend to offer to children and dependents and people we are very intimate with.

A ⭐️⭐️ response includes validation and sympathy. “That must be hard for you. I’m sorry that you have to go through this”. This is a level we often offer to other adults we feel reasonably close to.

A ⭐️ response offers acknowledgment.  “I hear you’re in pain. I’m going to go and let you take care of yourself.” This is a level we often offer to adults that we don’t feel close or very comfortable with. Or maybe we just don’t have many resources at that moment. We’re not actively helping, but we are acknowledging the reality of the situation and making sure that we’re not making it worse.

A 💩response might sound like “Hmmm” or “OK”. Essentially there is no real response or engagement, either positive or negative. 

A 💩💩 response sounds like dismissal. “You say you have a headache? Well let me tell you about my headache”.  Here we’re basically saying “I’m not going to acknowledge your pain in any way, and I’m gonna make this about me instead. I’m not going to help you and I am actively going to make you feel invalidated. I am going to ignore the existence of your needs because they make me feel uncomfortable.” We use this level when we can’t regulate our own emotions sufficiently to have space for someone else.

A 💩💩💩 response involves anger and attack: “How dare you be in pain? I am the only victim. I get all the sympathy and care. You are just pretending to be in pain to steal my rightful attention.” Here we’re basically saying “I am actively going to hurt you because your needs threaten me.” We use this level when we are so stuck in survival mode and so self absorbed that anybody else’s needs, or indeed existence, is an active threat to us.

Healthy Relationships are Reciprocal (HRR)

It’s unrealistic and unreasonable to expect other people to give us a ⭐️⭐️⭐️ response if we are routinely responding to them with a 💩. It would be like trying to withdraw from a bank account that we haven’t put any money into. If you’re dissatisfied with the level of response you’re getting, it might be worth paying attention to the level of responses that you are giving and checking how they match up. 

There may also be a second, different dynamic at play here. What if you are the person regularly giving ⭐️⭐️⭐️ support and getting 💩 responses? You might want to think about whether this is a good use of your energy, time, and resources.

Your friend may not want to, or may not have the resources to, deepen their level of connection and communication. That’s entirely their choice. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change this. The best option here is to acknowledge the reality of the situation, accept the level of communication that you have for what it is, and look for other people who are interested in communicating at a deeper level.

Sometimes it may feel terrifying or impossible to have an emotionally intimate conversation. It’s important not to give up. The key is to match the level of the conversation with a person who is able and willing to converse at that level. 

What are your thoughts on this? Have you ever been struggling with someone you really cared about regarding Communication & Reciprocity?